If you are driving the car and it gets stuck in mud and snow, let your two friends do the pushing while you stay behind the wheel. You will stay cleaner and they will not, but hey, that’s why we have friends. Right?
If you think to yourself, “I wonder if Friday the 13th and Halloween have ever happened on the same day?” Make sure you don’t say it out loud, where other people can hear you.
But if you do, make sure one of the people bails you out by saying something even dumber, such as “I think it has.”
If your mother offers to drive you and your date to homecoming, because you don’t yet have your license, say no. Otherwise, your brother and his best friend might yell out “Lay one on her, bro!” while you are trying to decide whether or not to kiss the girl.
If you are at work and they tell you the president of the company is in town and wants to meet you, make sure the meeting is inside and not outside where a bird may poop on your head right when he is going to shake your hand. If you don’t do this, the said president might call you S*&^ head every time he sees you.
If you are going to go to church, make sure and eat enough for breakfast. If you do this, then your stomach growls might not interupt the sermon four different times and make the preacher stop and point you out.
Also, if you are at church, and the police pull you out of service to write you a ticket because you are parked too close to the train tracks and a train can’t get through, don’t go back to the service. The preacher may ask you, in front of the whole congregation, if you got a ticket.
If you really like a girl, and she’s not very tall, make sure you never sing the song “Short People:” where she can hear you.
If you take a date to the movies and she mentions she’s afraid of rats and mice, don’t use your foot to tap the popcorn bucket in a quiet part of the movie and say into her ear, “mouse” because she might stand up in the middle of the isle and start screaming. And then she might move to the other side of the theater and not talk to you anymore.
If you are 7 years old and your cousin is 4 years old and playing with a sharp knife, just ask her to put it down and not to give it to you. She might cut your hand almost in half otherwise.