A Trick or Treat Halloween Costume Buying Scary Tale

“Then I’d look like a fat Robin Hood.”

I was standing in Party City, where I had just helped the Twins pick out their Halloween costumes, when they decided I needed a new one as well. I have been wearing the same evil knight costume for ten years, so I agreed.

The folks at Party City, across from Home Depot on Westport Road, were happy to help. I told them I wanted a “big boy” costume. While I’m over 60 -pounds lighter than this time last year (thank you very much Jen Enmen and Weight Watchers) I’m still not small by any means.

The first thing they told me is we would have to look for costumes which listed “plus” sizes. Which in real world terms, means you are the size of one person plus one more. So we scoured the wall looking for costumes with the ever needed “plus” listing. We avoided one size fits all costumes, which I think was created by a small person as a way of getting even on the rest of us.

The first one they found was a Robin Hood costume. The picture shows a very fit young man who does justice to the thought of robbing from the rich and giving to the poor. I pointed out, however, if I were to wear said costume I’d look more like the Sheriff of Nottingham from the animated Disney version.

Not to be deterred, they then suggested a replica of the Johnny Depp Captain Jack Sparrow character from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Once again, I pointed out if I tried to squeeze into the costume I would look more like Smee from Peter Pan. Not quite what I had in mind.

I gently suggested we look for a costume which would make me look more like young, in shape and ladies love him Elvis, then the old sequined too many nanner and peanut butter sandwichs Elvis.

One of the Twins suggested I try a morph suit, since I was already fat, it should fit. Thanks Pumpkin. See how much goes into your college fund THIS month.

The other Twin then suggested a boxing outfit, which she called a wrestling outfit. She said the picture made the outfit look great. I explained to her it wouldn’t work as the model wearing the costume had a six pack, where as I have a keg. I kissed her on the head and kept looking.

In the end, we settled on a grim reaper full body robe type ensemble with extended hood and face netting. That way if anyone did get close enough to see who the plump man in the cowl really is, I could remain a man of mystery.

Or I might just wear the knight costume. After all, if the suit fits… 

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