If I was Ruler of the World, there would be changes. Sure, I’d insist on peace on Earth, goodwill towards man, stop all wars, end world hunger. You know, all the big ones. But there are other things I’d change you might not think of.
The first thing I’d do is eliminate the penny. I like Honest Abe Lincoln as much as the next guy, but copper coins? Nope. I’d make everyone selling any product round to the nearest nickle. Think about how much easier bookkeeping will be? If you come up with $.38 cents, then you will know you’ve got it wrong. Besides, Lincoln still has the five dollar bill. This is more than most presidents.
After the penny, I’d remove the designated hitter in baseball. Yes, I know they have it in just about any other league, college and high school, but I don’t care. When you’re ruler of the world, you get what you want. And I want the designated hitter gone. Three strikes. You’re out. I’m old school when it comes to my baseball.
I would change what is generally accepted when it comes to clothing. If someone wants to wear a striped shirt and plaid pants, then so be it. No one will be allowed to make fun of them. (On a side note, this will make it easier for the Ruler of the World to get dressed with fewer snickers.)
Columbus Day? Are you kidding me? He didn’t even make it to North America first (the Vikings beat him by several hundred years) and we give him his own holiday? Forgetaboutit. Instead we will have Elvis day. Thank you. Thank you very much. Besides, Elvis looks better. Of course I mean the young Elvis, but then again, big Elvis more closely resembles most of my family, so either works.
And some food will have to go. Lima beans are out. I’m sorry if you make a living as a lima bean farmer. You’ll just have to grow something else. I’ve always contended that’s how I know God rested on the seventh day, because no deity in His right mind creates a vegetable like lima beans. I mean, come on! Sure I hold a grudge. I missed watching A Charlie Brown Christmas because my mother found my hidden lima beans under the second helping of mashed potatoes and wouldn’t let me watch TV the rest of the night. Pay backs a bi$*& huh, lima beans.
And lastly, I’d change the English language. David Crystal has a nice piece on Why the English Language is So Bizarre. Once I’m done with changing it, then u will b able to spell things much ezer than u can now. No what I meen? Silent e’s? Boom! Gone. Silent G’s? Bang! Out.
So that’s how I would start off as Ruler of the World. Considering I’m not even ruler of my household (I have a wife, two daughters, two female dogs, a female cat and the way the goldfish stare ate me, I’m pretty sure they’re female, too which puts me at the bottom of the totem pole) I think the changes listed above may be a while in coming. But a man can dream.
What would you change?