If I Was Ruler of the World….

If I was Ruler of the World, there would be changes. Sure, I’d insist on peace on Earth, goodwill towards man, stop all wars, end world hunger. You know, all the big ones. But there are other things I’d change you might not think of.

The first thing I’d do is eliminate the penny. I like Honest Abe Lincoln as much as the next guy, but copper coins? Nope. I’d make everyone selling any product round to the nearest nickle. Think about how much easier bookkeeping will be? If you come up with $.38 cents, then you will know you’ve got it wrong. Besides, Lincoln still has the five dollar bill. This is more than most presidents.

After the penny, I’d remove the designated hitter in baseball. Yes, I know they have it in just about any other league, college and high school, but I don’t care. When you’re ruler of the world, you get what you want. And I want the designated hitter gone. Three strikes. You’re out. I’m old school when it comes to my baseball.

I would change what is generally accepted when it comes to clothing. If someone wants to wear a striped shirt and plaid pants, then so be it. No one will be allowed to make fun of them. (On a side note, this will make it easier for the Ruler of the World to get dressed with fewer snickers.)

Columbus Day? Are you kidding me? He didn’t even make it to North America first (the Vikings beat him by several hundred years) and we give him his own holiday? Forgetaboutit. Instead we will have Elvis day. Thank you. Thank you very much. Besides, Elvis looks better. Of course I mean the young Elvis, but then again, big Elvis more closely resembles most of my family, so either works.

And some food will have to go. Lima beans are out. I’m sorry if you make a living as a lima bean farmer. You’ll just have to grow something else. I’ve always contended that’s how I know God rested on the seventh day, because no deity in His right mind creates a vegetable like lima beans. I mean, come on! Sure I hold a grudge. I missed watching A Charlie Brown Christmas because my mother found my hidden lima beans under the second helping of mashed potatoes and wouldn’t let me watch TV the rest of the night. Pay backs a bi$*& huh, lima beans.

And lastly, I’d change the English language. David Crystal has a nice piece on Why the English Language is So Bizarre. Once I’m done with changing it, then u will b able to spell things much ezer than u can now. No what I meen? Silent e’s? Boom! Gone. Silent G’s? Bang! Out.

So that’s how I would start off as Ruler of the World. Considering I’m not even ruler of my household (I have a wife, two daughters, two female dogs, a female cat and the way the goldfish stare ate me, I’m pretty sure they’re female, too which puts me at the bottom of the totem pole) I think the changes listed above may be a while in coming. But a man can dream.

What would you change?

15 thoughts on “If I Was Ruler of the World….

  1. Jan Evers

    I think I’d like better public transportation everywhere! Think of how much more money I would have if I didn’t need a car? I’d also like to change priorties on which we choose to spend our money in the US. People who play sports would get teacher salaries and teachers would get sports figures salaries. Great numbers of people would come out in support of making our children smarter! There would be pep ralleys to support kids reading and math marathons where everyone helped each other. But…….I know it’s a pipe dream. I only control one class at a time!

  2. Here’s the problem with getting rid of the penny. If you do, then what is a nickel, dime, and quarter worth. You can’t have 5, 10, & 25 of nothing. The problem is hard currency in general, especially since we left the gold standard. If you were ruler of the world, then take us totally to electronic money. It’s not a perfect solution, but it technically gets rid of the penny and everything else. Also I’m going to hang on to my silver and gold stash, just in case of, I don’t know…. E.M.P.

    1. The great thing about being the ruler of the world, is that I don’t have to make sense. I have no problems with electric money I just a problem with copper money. The unintended consequences of my actions are for other people to deal with.

  3. Kurt

    I will do everything in my power to keep Katy from becoming the ruler of the world if that is her list….specifically the last one…the first one is good.

  4. Ok. I’ll go the harsh route. There’s no 3 strikes and your out in the courtroom. No more, “This is his 99th time in jail” and then go be free again. You already know it’s wrong when you murder, kidnap, rape, etc. someone. One strike in that situation and your out! And no long court room dates. Just like the guy who murdered people at the Dark Knight Rises movie. We all know he did it. Why is this taking so long? He should immediately go to the chair or be hung in a tree. I’m tired of the criminals doing the same stuff over and over and over again. Let’s get tougher laws. Period…Ouch, almost sprained my ankle jumping off my soapbox.

  5. Tom McNeil

    I used to be a big fan of spelling things phonetically (insert obvious joke here), but since seeing Hannah go through school I realize why that is a bad idea. We learn to spell large words by meaning. Parts of words imply that meaning. For example, if I use the word “Fubarology” you know that it means the study of “Fubar”, whatever that is.

    Ditch the penny. You could also make the argument for ditching the nickel along with it. Just make dollar coins and dimes.

    Going to all electronic money would cause a revolt. People like to pay for things in cash – partly because they don’t want people tracking their purchases – legal or otherwise.
    “Honey, why are there 36 separate one dollar debits at some place called ‘Sugarbabes’ ?”

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